Have you ever had someone tell you that you don’t know Jack Schitt? Well, thanks to the genealogy efforts of a fellow named Crock O. Schitt, a partial family history has been available online for some time. Many have already seen it and perhaps even had a chuckle.
Now, having come from a large family myself, I decided to delve a bit deeper into the Schitt, and am happy to dump this much more detailed genealogy on you!
This is the Schitt (Family)
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Shitz, a high school dropout. Being unemployable, Dumb wasn’t able to provide a stable home for Deep and their son Tuff. Tuff Shitz ran away as a teenager, got involved with a bad crowd, and they haven’t heard from him since.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Holie Schitt was terribly affected by the divorce and became a nun, choosing to live in India and serve the Lord rather than deal with family Schitt.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda, and together He and Loda produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Now, Loda Schitt worked in sales, and it was through her office that Chicken met and fell in love with a young co-worker of Loda’s. Since Dip Schitt and Loda Schitt had always thought Chicken would never marry, they were pleased to welcome the new daughter-in-law Pila Schitt to the family.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. Eventually, they had children. The Schitt-Happens children born to Fulla were Dawg Schitt-Happens and Horse Schitt-Happens. Giva, missing her wayward brother a great deal, insisted on naming her first born Bull Schitt-Happens. Their second child was named Byrd Schitt-Happens.
Dawg Schitt-Happens and Horse Schitt-Happens, growing up incredibly close just as mom Fulla and Aunt Giva had, both joined a traveling circus and put aside thoughts of marriage and children of their own. Of Giva’s children, Bull Schitt-Happens got into acting and, not wanting to share the spotlight with his cousins in the circus, changed his last name to Schittless. He was last known to be fooling around with a naughty-movie actress named Broke N. Sole. Giva is praying they don’t marry because she can’t bear to tell people her daughter-in-law is Broke N. Schittless.
Byrd Schitt-Happens found her prince charming while doing a stint in the Peace Corps. While overseas, she married Justin Lots. Knowing Bull Schittless will probably never settle down properly, before Giva was willing to call Byrd by her married name (Byrd Schitt-Happens-Lots), Giva wants a big family wedding where Grandpa (Jack) can feel like King Schitt!
Bull Schitt, the original prodigal son, had left home to tour the world. He returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Pisa Schitt turned out to be incredibly self-centered and never tried to make the marriage work so Bull obtained an annulment and was thrown into a pit of despair that led to drinking and womanizing. He thought he’d found true love with an exotic dancer named Luce Laidee. Now this was only her stage name, but since that’s what he first knew her as, Bull insisted she keep it when they married in Las Vegas after one wild weekend. She, thinking he was wealthy, happily became Luce Schitt but when she realized he wanted to go back to all the Schitt he came from and her party days would be over, she divorced him. Bull Schitt then spent some time in rehab and decided to travel again. It was then, while in the Netherlands, that he finally met the woman for him. U. Tokken was the perfect woman to keep him in line and yet bring out the best in him. At the age of 47, Bull Schitt felt like a young lad as he married this young woman and she became U. Tokken Schitt. Being eager for children after all this time, Bull Schitt and U. Tokken Schitt were pleased that twins ran in the Schitt genes. Their first try brought into the world Yor A. Schitt and Ima Schitt. Later, they were shocked when a second try actually blessed them with triplets! Being thankful that U. Tokken Schitt was young enough to handle all this, Bull Schitt let her name the children and thus Eet Schitt, Bea Schitt and Sakka Schitt became part of the family tree.
When Ima became older, she convinced Yor to help her look for their long lost cousin Tuff Shitz, since Deep Shitz and Dumb Shitz had never been able to locate him. Quite a few years older than they, finding Tuff actually turned out to be quite easy. He’d eventually pulled himself out of the gutter, gone back to school on his own, and being determined to do better than his parents, became a small-time politician. Yor A. Schitt was gassed by how much Tuff Shitz reminded him of their Aunt Fulla Schitt-Happens. Ima Schitt convinced Deep, Dumb and Tuff to reconcile in time for Tuff to marry his office manager. She was a lovely gal originally from India. It was coincidence that her hometown was the same town Holie Schitt had settled in and so the wedding of Tuff and Heepa was held there. Tuff Shitz and Heepa Shitz have no plans for children.
Noe Schitt-Sherlock and husband Ted eventually moved to England to fulfill their dream of co-owning an Inn with a childhood friend of Noe’s, Minny Giggles. The Schitty children all enjoy an occasional visit to the Schitts & Giggles Inn.
And what happened to Jack, the guy behind all of this genealogy research?
Well, Jack pined for a time over Noe, but then, during a trip back to Italy with son Bull Schitt and his first wife Pisa Schitt, Jack met up with Mya Dontstink and knew Mya was his true love. Mya, a well-known socialite from New York who was vacationing in Italy, refused to change her name so as not to lose her standing. She compromised and became Mya Schitt-Donstink. Jack loves her regardless.
After his wedding, Jack set about to have his father Awe Schitt recognized by their town. Awe Schitt was always a charitable man and because of Jack, the town’s newest subdivision was named after Awe and O. Schitt, the founder of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. Complete with a man-made lake, park and a shallow wading creek winding through it, one can honestly now be up Schitt Creek without a paddle.
O. Schitt, Jack’s mother, never lived to see that day.
So now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them. And instead of trying to remember all of this, why.. just send them here.
This work of Schitt is copyright (smw) fracas. It may be shared or copied only with appropriate linkage and/or credit to fracas at http://fraccers.com
I was talking about the blog, silly!
Now, I don’t know about you, fraccy reader, but the idea of jail kind of scares me. Perhaps jail for celebrities isn’t quite the same as what jail might be for you or I, but something tells me Mark isn’t going to get the same easy ride as Paris. Heck, even Martha Stewart didn’t get quite the easy ride Paris did, as this illustration more than proves.
