Re-Vamping a Classic
Have you ever sat and realized how some days, the internet is terribly boring? One can only watch so many videos of stupid people falling into puddles of mud and falling victim to their friends and families’ idea of a good practical joke before one becomes weary. Indeed… sometimes we long to be able to relax with one of the classics.
And yet, sometimes the classics are (forgive me…) boring.
If you, like me, have ever thought the classics should be more interesting, you’ve come to the right place. Fracas is pleased to assist you. Below, I’ve prepared a sample snippet that I hope will help you renew (or begin) a love of the classics. I give you:
Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace
(Chapter 1… as read by: The Swedish Chef )
Original:
“Well, Prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now just family estates of the Buonapartes. But I warn you, if you don`t tell me that this means war, if you still try to defend the infamies and horrors perpetrated by that AntichristI really believe he is AntichristI will have nothing more to do with you and you are no longer my friend, no longer my `faithful slave,` as you call yourself! But how do you do? I see I have frightened you. Sit down and tell me all the news.”
It was in July, 1805, and the speaker was the well-known Anna Pavlovna Scherer, maid of honor and favorite of the Empress Marya Fedorovna. With these words she greeted Prince Vasili Kuragin, a man of high rank and importance, who was the first to arrive at her reception. Anna Pavlovna had had a cough for some days. She was, as she said, suffering from la grippe; grippe being then a new word in St. Petersburg, used only by the elite.
New:
“Vell, Preence-a, su Genua und Loocca ere-a noo joost femeely istetes ooff zee Boounepertes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Boot I vern yuoo, iff yuoo dun`t tell me-a thet thees meuns ver, iff yuoo steell try tu deffend zee inffemeees und hurrurs perpetreted by thet UnteechristI reelly beleeefe-a he-a is UnteechristI veell hefe-a nutheeng mure-a tu du veet yuoo und yuoo ere-a nu lunger my freeend, nu lunger my `feeethffool slefe-a,` es yuoo cell yuoorselff! Boot hoo du yuoo du? I see-a I hefe-a freeghtened yuooseet doon und tell me-a ell zee noos. Um gesh dee bork, bork!”
It ves in Jooly, 1805, und zee speeker ves zee vell-knoon Unna Peflufna Scherer, meeed ooff hunur und fefureete-a ooff zee Impress Merya Fedurufna. Veet zeese-a vurds she-a greeted Preence-a Feseeli Kooregeen, a mun ooff heegh runk und impurtunce-a, vhu ves zee furst tu erreefe-a et her recepshun. Unna Peflufna hed hed a cuoogh fur sume-a deys. Um gesh dee bork, bork! She-a ves, es she-a seeed, sooffffereeng frum la greeppe-a; greeppe-a beeeng zeen a noo vurd in St. Um de hur de hur de hur. Petersboorg, used oonly by zee ileete-a.
Do you see what I mean? All you who previously thought the classics were too boring to read, may now enjoy everything from Tolstoy, Shakespeare, Bronte and Chaucer, to Nietzsche, Twain and Sir Frances Bacon.
It’s quite simply done. Select your author and locate the text you’re interested in, visit The Dialectizer, pop your chosen text into the windowbox and click. Now you too, can enjoy the classics in the format that interests you most!
You’re welcome… and happy reading… dee bork, bork!
You see, those who ask good questions are revered and honoured here at fraccers, and maybe they might even be allowed to ruffle my feathers a bit… but those who don’t ask questions are, well… saps.
You Laid An Egg