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Archive for » January, 2009 «

Are You Wearing Underwear?

Natasha Richardson wardrobe malfunction panty photoHave you ever come out of the restroom with a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe or (for the ladies) your blouse tucked into your pantyhose?

If so, I’m sure we can all sympathize with Natasha Richardson here.

It’s quite obvious that in her efforts to lift her long skirt so as not to step on the hem and risk an embarassing fall, she’s accidentally raised enough fabric to expose her thong panties.

Poor Natasha.

I actually feel sorry for her here.

It seems to me, in this photo she looks like she may have had an alcoholic beverage or two, and nearly every woman knows how difficult it can be to maintain composure with so many variables to worry about.

Designers create clothing for appearance rather than wearability. Shoes (while fabulous) often make walking tantamount to performing on a tight rope and if you’re a celebrity, you usually have all kinds of photographers in your fraccing way to boot. Frankly, most of us would be more worried about our boobs falling out of a dress like that than we would be worried about the other end falling out.

Balancing all of that is no easy feat, let me assure you.

Celebrity boobs falling out of dresses wardrobe malfunction photoAfter all, if we’re talking about genuine accidents… boobs popping out of clothing does seem to happen far more often than crotches popping out of panties. Usually, if you’re wearing some panties, the crotch is quite safe. One might accidentally (like poor Natasha) flash the panties, but the naughty bits in the panties are usually safe and sound. The boobs would be safe too, if they’d thought to purchase some body tape, but then again… with boobs that size, maybe they just couldn’t afford enough tape to prevent a mishap?

That’s probably why your mom told you to always wear clean underwear.

Okay, maybe it’s not exactly why your mom told you to wear clean underwear… moms of yesteryear never thought it was because their little princesses would be flashing their naughty bits, they usually worried about a horrible accident befalling you and the doctors judging them as a bad mom if you didn’t have clean underwear on, but it’s still a pretty good reason to keep telling our kids to always wear clean underwear.

Heck… some of these celebrities could’ve used a mom telling them to at least wear some underwear. Any underwear would be nice in some of these cases, unless of course, you happen to enjoy seeing their naughty bits.

But as usually… I’ve gotten carried away a tad. So sue me. At least I’m wearing underwear while I’m writing this.

Now, although I’ve been known to poke a bit of fun at celebrities whose naughty bits happen to fall out (on purpose) every now and then, I just can’t bring myself to place Natasha in the same category.

Going back to Natasha… I mean, after all, she is wearing panties. That gives us a clue to whether or not this was a genuine wardrobe malfunction, or a planned wardrobe malfunction. I wish I could say the same for Lil’ Kim.

I know. You’re wondering where is the photo of Lil’ Kim. You can’t seem to see it.

Lil’ Kim had a malfunction that was entirely preventable; all she had to do was wear panties! At least then I’d be able to place her photo in the post. I mean, for plum’s sake… who in their right mind wears a miniskirt that short with no underwear one, and then is up dancing and performing in front of the cameras?

Alas… it is so NSFW, I must resort to linking to her photo… with a warning.

If you don’t like to see celebrities’ naked crotches, do NOT click the link. If you’re at work and you will get fired for using your computer to view a naked crotch, I repeat… do NOT click the link. If you’re younger than 18, do NOT click the link. I know… Lil’ Kim markets herself to the under 18 crowd, and chose to show off her naughty bits, but it’s still my job to tell you not to look. If you don’t listen and end up needing some legal forms to get your butt out of trouble, don’t blame me. I warned you.

As for me, fracas? I’m off to make sure my daughter has lots of clean underwear.

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Michelle Obama Pregnant…

The latest dish is that Michelle Obama is pregnant. Though all reports clearly mark it as an unsubstantiated rumour, fracas, not an Obama fan, has decided to bravely face facts.

Obama’s stimulus package was big enough after all!

Now, recently, I… fracas, did leave a comment (over at TMZ) in defense of Michelle Obama.

I had to.

People were trashing her inauguration outfits and calling her fat.

FAT. Honestly!

This kind of thing rather upsets me. While not one of my favorite people, Michelle Obama is nonetheless… not fat. She is just fine.

So, I am not going to participate in this whole find-a-picture-to-humiliate-Michelle-by-pointing-out-a-fictitious-baby-bump plot. If she is pregnant, (and rumours place it at a two month pregnancy) then dang it already but two months isn’t enough to even have a baby bump unless she, as the expectant mom, was only about 43 1/2 pounds to begin with.

They’re just being mean.

So instead, I thought I’d show you a series of photos of daddy Barack, (aka the party to which the credit for the least boring stimulus ‘package’ story we’ve heard so far, can be given) as he heard the baby bump news.

Obama as he heard the news of Michelle's pregnancy

Now it’s not that I’m trying to imply Obama would be less than happy about a pregnancy. Perhaps he was just thinking ahead to when he might be so busy being the POTUS, that Michelle might go into labor while he’s unavailable, thus necessitating VP Biden to the call of duty as his second in command?

Obama and BidenI happened to find a shot of Biden’s reaction to that very idea.

An anonymous source clarified that in the photo to your left, Biden was receiving word that he would in fact, be required to assist during labour, but would have to remain seated at the first lady’s head at all times, so as not to see the first goods. Poor, poor Joe Biden.

But… knowing Biden’s the real maverick of the 2008 election campaign, we all know he won’t listen to daddy Barack.

Joe Biden, eager to help with the Obama pregnancy and deliverySo does Joe.

No one’s had the courage to brief the First Lady yet.

This is all bound to be very exciting and newsworthy. Fracas hopes the rumours are true.

My ’source’ tells me so does Biden!

[Disclaimer: As of January 28, 2009, Michelle's pregnancy is still just a rumour. Fracas is just having fun with the obvious. Please don't get your poop all tied up in a knot. I'm sure Obama won't mind my joking about how big his package is. Seriously. He's a guy. He'll get it. Or she will... whatever.]

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Truth in old jokes?

Delivery room cartoonFour men met at the hospital where their wives were giving birth.

The nurse approaches the first man and said, “Congratulations, you have twins!”

The man said “How strange, I’m the manager of the Minnesota Twins.”

After awhile the nurse came back out, went up to the second man and said, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man mused, “Hmmm, strange… I worked as a director for the “3 musketeers.”

Much later, the nurse again came out, walked up to the third man and said, “Congratulations, it’s amazing. Your wife just gave birth to twins x2. You’ll be going home with quadruplets!”

The man is over-the-moon happy and replies, “How ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.”

All three of them are taken up with the excitement of their news, until they see the last fellow jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what’s wrong and he moans, “What’s wrong… what’s wrong?  I work for 7up!

In a BBC News Report, Fracas has learned this:

A US woman has given birth to eight babies, becoming just the second person recorded to have delivered a set of living octuplets.

The six boys and two girls were delivered by caesarean section in Los Angeles, California.

The babies, who weighed in at between 1.8lbs (820g) and 3.4lbs each, are all said to be doing well.

They were screaming and kicking around very vigorously, according to a doctor at the hospital in suburban Bellflower.

The mother, whose identity has not been revealed, has asked that limited information be released about the births.

And so what we won’t know for sure just yet… or ever… is if the father of these remarkable newborns was employed on the crew for the TLC Network show “Jon and Kate Plus 8” or even perhaps at some point in the past, the show Eight is Enough? I suppose he could’ve worked on the set of “Eight Below” or maybe he was even employed by Group Eight Engineering Limited.

For now, we’ll have to continue to speculate.

At any rate, wherever he worked to have fathered those eight little bundles of that baby-smelling newness, fracas sends her best wishes for no complications and good health for these little miracles… they’re going to need all the help they can get! Starting life at 1.8 lbs isn’t impossible, but it sure makes the road ahead a bit more difficult.

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So you broke your penis…

Tot joke about a broken penisNo, this isn’t a joke.

I was reading the news and came across a story about whether or not a person could really break their penis (like Dr. Mark Sloan’s character on the ABC show Grey’s Anatomy) and I was flabbergasted. What? They did a show where a guy broke his penis? Is that even possible?

Apparently so.

I, in my usual fraccy way, had to research it for myself. You’d be amazed at the things I’ve learned that way. I know about things I didn’t even know had things, I know about things I’m pretty sure I’m not into, and I’ve learned about things I think some people ought to see a counselor for being into.

But I digress. I do apologize. I’m sure you’re not interested in any of those things. Why am I sure? Because you might be here because you actually have a broken penis… so here’s the goods.

No… you numnuts… I don’t mean here’s the goods as in here’s some photos of broken penises… I mean here’s the good as in the information about broken penises! If you want to see broken penises, you’ll just have to click some of the links and see if you find one. You just might…

The Goods

A) Sheldon Levine, D.O., of Orland Park, Illinois, said

there are about 1,000 cases of broken penises reported each year. In most cases, a broken penis occurs during sexual intercourse. According to Dr. Levine, the penis contains ligaments and cartilage. Although there is no bone, a penile fracture occurs when the ligaments are torn. This is just as painful as a broken bone.

B) Alice, from Go Ask Alice, answers the broken penis question rather well. She says:

The shaft of the penis is comprised of two chambers of spongy tissue, the corpora cavernosa, which run along the inside length of the penis. Erections occur when, in response to physical and/or mental triggers, the nerves of the penis signal the surrounding muscles to relax, allowing blood to pour into the corpora cavernosa. A thick membrane surrounding the corpora cavernosa, the tunica albuginea, keeps the blood that is being pumped into those spongy chambers from being able to escape. The result — a stiffer, larger, and more rigid rod. Although your erect penis may feel rock-hard, it is still flesh and blood.

Penile fractures occur when an erect penis is thrust against a harder, less flexible object. This could happen if someone enthusiastically plunges and pumps his penis into a partner, or a pillow let’s say, and misses or “over-runs” the intended opening and instead hits a pubic bone, headboard, or other hard surface. If the object is hard enough, and the erect penis is thrust with enough force, that thick membrane surrounding the corpora cavernosa can tear, causing an audible “cracking” sound, abrupt loss of erection, severe pain and bruising, and a penis that is typically “bent” to one side or the other.

Penile fractures are a medical emergency and must be evaluated and treated immediately. In severe cases, it is possible to damage the urethra, interfering with urination. Treatment for penile fractures consists of immediate evaluation, and, most often, surgical intervention to repair the tunica albuginea and restore or preserve erectile function and the ability to pass urine. Similar to other fractures, the sooner the broken part is “set,” the less likely permanent damage and misshapenness will result.

Alice isn’t just dicking around with us either. The Mayo Clinic confirms her answer. She also has answers to the throbbing question of whether or not breaking one’s penis will affect its size. Her answer will be a comfort to Flint… the subject of item ‘C’ below, not because he’ll be able to use his penis that much quicker… but because the break won’t likely affect him much afterwards. In the meanwhile though, perhaps some time spent playing with his BlackBerry instead of his Johnson might help pass the time?

C) On 2/17/2008, Flint broke his penis. He suffered a lot. He also had the goodwill to register the domain for ibrokemypenis.com and tell his story. Flint might have a photo or two. Flint also might be in bandages. If you’d like to read about what happened to Flint… or if you think you might benefit from his prevention tips, then do visit Flint. Flint couldn’t get his mom on the phone when this horrible thing happened to him, but you know… his dad did agree going to the hospital was a good idea. Tell Flint that Fracas sent you, and, because Fracas is old enough to be his mom… she would like to offer him some advice. No phone number for him to call in case he breaks his penis again… but some advice that might help.

Flint. When things swell up in a not good way… the thing to do is get the ice pack. Right away.

Had he a well and properly stocked emergency kit at home, he’d have suffered less on the way to the hospital. Let that be a lesson to him (and the rest of you young ‘uns) about keeping proper supplies in his bachelor pad.

And… I really couldn’t bear to make any of this pin-worthy. I figure if you broke your penis, you’ve suffered enough already.

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