So you broke your penis…

No, this isn’t a joke.

I was reading the news and came across a story about whether or not a person could really break their penis (like Dr. Mark Sloan’s character on the ABC show Grey’s Anatomy) and I was flabbergasted. What? They did a show where a guy broke his penis? Is that even possible?

Apparently so.

I, in my usual fraccy way, had to research it for myself. You’d be amazed at the things I’ve learned that way. I know about things I didn’t even know had things, I know about things I’m pretty sure I’m not into, and I’ve learned about things I think some people ought to see a counselor for being into.

But I digress. I do apologize. I’m sure you’re not interested in any of those things. Why am I sure? Because you might be here because you actually have a broken penis… so here’s the goods.

No… you numnuts… I don’t mean here’s the goods as in here’s some photos of broken penises… I mean here’s the good as in the information about broken penises! If you want to see broken penises, you’ll just have to click some of the links and see if you find one. You just might…

The Goods

A) Sheldon Levine, D.O., of Orland Park, Illinois, said

there are about 1,000 cases of broken penises reported each year. In most cases, a broken penis occurs during sexual intercourse. According to Dr. Levine, the penis contains ligaments and cartilage. Although there is no bone, a penile fracture occurs when the ligaments are torn. This is just as painful as a broken bone.

B) Alice, from Go Ask Alice, answers the broken penis question rather well. She says:

The shaft of the penis is comprised of two chambers of spongy tissue, the corpora cavernosa, which run along the inside length of the penis. Erections occur when, in response to physical and/or mental triggers, the nerves of the penis signal the surrounding muscles to relax, allowing blood to pour into the corpora cavernosa. A thick membrane surrounding the corpora cavernosa, the tunica albuginea, keeps the blood that is being pumped into those spongy chambers from being able to escape. The result — a stiffer, larger, and more rigid rod. Although your erect penis may feel rock-hard, it is still flesh and blood.

Penile fractures occur when an erect penis is thrust against a harder, less flexible object. This could happen if someone enthusiastically plunges and pumps his penis into a partner, or a pillow let’s say, and misses or “over-runs” the intended opening and instead hits a pubic bone, headboard, or other hard surface. If the object is hard enough, and the erect penis is thrust with enough force, that thick membrane surrounding the corpora cavernosa can tear, causing an audible “cracking” sound, abrupt loss of erection, severe pain and bruising, and a penis that is typically “bent” to one side or the other.

Penile fractures are a medical emergency and must be evaluated and treated immediately. In severe cases, it is possible to damage the urethra, interfering with urination. Treatment for penile fractures consists of immediate evaluation, and, most often, surgical intervention to repair the tunica albuginea and restore or preserve erectile function and the ability to pass urine. Similar to other fractures, the sooner the broken part is “set,” the less likely permanent damage and misshapenness will result.

Alice isn’t just dicking around with us either. The Mayo Clinic confirms her answer. She also has answers to the throbbing question of whether or not breaking one’s penis will affect its size. Her answer will be a comfort to Flint… the subject of item ‘C’ below, not because he’ll be able to use his penis that much quicker… but because the break won’t likely affect him much afterwards. In the meanwhile though, perhaps some time spent playing with his BlackBerry instead of his Johnson might help pass the time?

C) On 2/17/2008, Flint broke his penis. He suffered a lot. He also had the goodwill to register the domain for ibrokemypenis.com and tell his story. Flint might have a photo or two. Flint also might be in bandages. If you’d like to read about what happened to Flint… or if you think you might benefit from his prevention tips, then do visit Flint. Flint couldn’t get his mom on the phone when this horrible thing happened to him, but you know… his dad did agree going to the hospital was a good idea. Tell Flint that Fracas sent you, and, because Fracas is old enough to be his mom… she would like to offer him some advice. No phone number for him to call in case he breaks his penis again… but some advice that might help.

Flint. When things swell up in a not good way… the thing to do is get the ice pack. Right away.

Had he a well and properly stocked emergency kit at home, he’d have suffered less on the way to the hospital. Let that be a lesson to him (and the rest of you young ‘uns) about keeping proper supplies in his bachelor pad.

And… I really couldn’t bear to make any of this pin-worthy. I figure if you broke your penis, you’ve suffered enough already.