About My Baby Maker…

Fracas receives all kinds of interesting and very useful offers in her email each day. I never have to worry about where to find the things I need and I never have to waste valuable time researching how I might be able to get myself a degree without going back to school, or where to send all that unused gold I have in my garage. It really is quite a boon to have these offers come right to me daily in my mail. 

I have though, received an email that had me concerned enough to write back to the woman who sent it to me. I thought I’d share it with you too.

Dear Mildred;

I recently received your email asking me if I want a bigger baby maker, and frankly, I’m a little shocked.  As a woman, I should think you would realize that the last thing any woman would honestly want, is a bigger baby maker.

Mildred, I like to think I’ve not been sucked in by Hollywood and the fashion industry, but quite honestly, I do still harbour the tiniest desire for a lean, flat abdomen to show off in a bikini. Don’t most women? Sure… we pretend we don’t care that our post-children abdomens sometimes are left with a bit of a flabby appearance, but truth be told, we do wish they’d look like they did before we were pregnant.

So Mildred… the last thing I (or probably any other woman) wants, is some big ole extra large honkin uterus! Honestly… I understand all those offers about bigger rods and tools and I even understand why some folks might need really cheap Viagra or Tramadol. If one’s going to go for the Viagra, one might as well also pick up some Tramadol to make sure the wife doesn’t have a headache… but a bigger babymaker?

What the hell good is that?

I’ll have to buy new pants, probably even new underwear and you know Mildred… I am over 40 and people will probably ask me rude questions if I’m suddenly sporting some huge uterus. They’ll make rude comments about how old I’ll be when the baby’s born and I’ll probably spend a lot of time crying and feeling awful.

I’m not even sure if a bigger uterus is healthy either…

So Mildred, I’m going to have to ban you from my email. I do hope you understand, and if you want my advice, I suggest you switch over to mailing out offers to do with rods, poles and tools. I think that way, you’re bound to get a better response. Men love big rods and tools and poles. Women? Well, we’re a little too vain to spend money making ourselves look fat or pregnant.

Best wishes but no thanks,